


You can always say no

by ZoenOut



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Comforting Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Crowley, Isolation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoenOut/pseuds/ZoenOut
Summary: Crowley is scared of pursuing Aziraphale. After all, God always puts what you want most right in front of you, and if you take it...
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 78





	You can always say no

God always put's what you want most right in front of you. She places it on a table in front of you, sits oppoite you and waits for your decition. All the wile She's smiling. She tempts you, as if She were a demon,  
"You can take it. It's what you most desire, right here. But you shant take it."  
So you struggle where you sit, you truly want what She offers you, but you shouldn't take it, should you? She told you not to. Would you go against Her to get what She offers? Although She told you you could take it, didn't She? You can but should you? Does she actually want you to take it, is that her plan? Can God lie to you?  
If you decide that she can't lie and you shouldn't take it, you stand up and walk away, what do you get? You don't get much. You'll regret your choice and, unless you're particularly lucky, you get no reward from Her. So you might think,  
"If I don't get anything from listening I should take it. Right?"  
And so you might decide that you shall take it. What happens then? Do you want to find out? You do. You want to find out and you obviously want what God is offering you. So you take it. What happens then? What happens when you take it from where She has put it down for you?

She punishes you. Brutally and ruthlessly. She smiles at you, as if with pity,  
"Oh you poor, poor human. I told you not to take it, didn't I? You know I have to do this, don't you? All because you didn't listen to me."  
Then She'll make you regret your choice more than you ever thought was possible. She'll ruin you, take everything you have and a bit more and then She'll leave you. She'll leave you alone. Alone having only the knowledge that you fucked up, you fucked up and got to feel the consequences. Because that's what She does. That's what She always does.

Those who know what She does are left to live in fear. The fear of Her.

***

Crowley knew. He'd always known, as long as he'd been a demon he'd known, maybe he'd known even before that. But the time before the Fall was something forgotten. He'd had something back then. He'd had cuirosity. It was something She had granted him, him and him only. But when the Starmaker asked God hadn't been pleased. She'd cast him out, made him suffer, all the wile bearing that smile. That smile that might have been a mask, that smile that had been there before time itself. That blessed smile... 

The Starmaker had fallen, he'd suffered. When he then got pulled to his feet again by his fellow fallen angels he didn't know how to react. He'd closed himself off, barely accepting his new name, his new identity. Crawly, the serpent. Next thing he knew he was standing above the eastern gate alongside an angel.

He knew he'd done something bad. He was supposed to do bad wasn't he? He was. Had he done bad in the right way? The wrong way? Was he supposed to do it in the wrong way? It was confusing. A few sentences later and he had more important things to ponder on.  
"I mean, why not put it on top of a high mountain or a long way off? Makes you wonder what She's really planning."  
And all of a sudden he'd known. God was playing a game again, he was trapped in an obstacle course and if he wasn't lucky he wouldn't make it out. God always puts what you want most right in front of you. This angel, this servant of God with halo so bright it was blinding, he was all Crawly wanted. And he was right there. Right there in front of Crawly.  
"You can take him."  
No. No, no, no. He shouldn't take what God offers. It wasn't as close as he thought it was anyways. He won't take it.

He'll regret any choice he makes anyways.

***

And so it went for a while. Crawly, later renamed Crowley, would get close to Aziraphale, the angel, before trying to distance himself again. This won't happen again he told himself. He knew better now, he knew how God's little games turn out. And it wasn't as if it was actually difficult to keep from growing to close. It was clear Aziraphale would rather be rid of him anyways, he wouldn't complain when Crowley was gone for centuries at a time and it was clear he only wanted Crowley for the food. That was all he'd talk about so why else would he let Crowley stay around? That had to be the case, hadn't it? It had to be. 

Despite this Crowley eventually couldn't keep himself from attatching. When everything was pushed to it's breakingpoint during Armageddon who else could he cling to? God wouldn't answer him. Hell surely wouldn't do anything. The only being who'd answer him was Aziraphale. The only being who'd listen to him complain, the only one who would call him out for being stupid while simultaniously pouring a glass of wiskey. The only one he'd ever stop time for. And when you've gone through the end of the world with someone you're bound to become at least a bit closer. If you facture in escaping potentially deadly punishments by inhabiting the others body then you might as well get married already. All this added up to meeting most days of the week instead of just once or twice. It also made the stop at the bookshop mandatory instead of optional.

They'd built up a routine in the weeks that followed the little apocalypse that wasn't. Crowley would come speeding in the Bentley at around 10 am and after that they'd drive around for between half an hour to two full hours while Aziraphale tried to decide where he wanted to eat. They'd have their lunch, Crowley had coffee. And then they'd go back. Crowley would saunter into the bookshop, take off his jacket and stand in the middle of the room. Aziraphale would walk over and ask the same question every day,  
"May I take them off, dear?"  
Crowley would nod and Aziraphale took off the sunglasses before they headed to the backroom. Aziraphale really didn't need to ask, Crowley had never declined. Although he'd always have the option to say no, and that felt reassuring even though he never used it.

***

"I want him. I do. I really do..." the Starmaker said, with a dreamy look in his golden eyes.  
"You do?" a voice that sounded more like a choir answered. "You can take him."  
The Starmaker bliked and suddenly he wasn't a Starmaker anymore, he was a serpent. Crowley took a deep breath, even though he didn't need to breathe. He knew. This was where it was all going to crash down on him. He was put in chess. If he continued it'd be checkmate in no time. He had to distance himself, he'd gotten too close, gone too fast. This couldn't continue if he wanted any reminance of a life left.  
Because what comes after falling? What punishment could be worse?

She would find some way to punish him. She always did.

***

Slightly before 10 the next morning Aziraphale got a call on the old landline in the bookshop. At first he answered the typical, I'm terribly sorry but we're closed, I'm sure you understand. Then he realized who was calling.  
"Oh... alright. Maybe tomorrow then?" he answered, trying to hide his dissapointment.  
The voice on the other end made a small noise before Aziraphale let the reciever fall onto its hook. Well, there's always a tomorrow, isn't there? Crowley wouldn't be so busy then. 

Crowley was busy. He was busy for weeks. Aziraphale always called in the morning, Crowley spat out the words in a way only a snake could and then he hung up. Aziraphale was left in lonely silence. Had he done something wrong? Well they had argued before, but that hadn't been serious, had it? Well Crowley hadn't always been there, had he? There'd been centuries where he had been gone and it hadn't mattered then... so why did it matter now? Something had changed. Then something changed again. Aziraphale called earlier than usual.  
"This is Anthony J. Crowley, you know what to do, do it with style. *beep*"  
"Hello Crowley... It's Aziraphale. I know you've been... busy. But I'd like to talk with you. If you could come to the bookshop then I'd... I'd apreciate it, dear. Sorry for the intrusion," Aziraphale hung up and took a deep breath. He straightened out his vest and turned back to his book, not expecting a response. 

Then he heard a car come speeding outside. It took an abrupt stop and suddenly Crowley stood in the doorway.  
"So... what restaurant do you feel like today, huh?"

"Crowley!" Aziraphale said with a beaming smile. Crowley squinted behind the glasses as if Aziraphale was actually amitting a light. "I was thinking the Ritz... If that's alright with you."  
Crowley nodded and went out to the Bentley. Aziraphale glanced at him in a slightly concerned way but Crowley didn't seem to take any notice. He drove to the Ritz, one of the regular old songs blaring. Freddie Mercury's voice came through the old speakers.  
"Can anybody find me somebody to love?"  
Even though the music filled the car the two people in it still had a distinct aura of silence. They could speak, but they didn't. Everything was as it usually was, except that it wasn't. Something was different. 

Aziraphale ate in silence. Crowley stared into his coffee, only occationally taking a sip. Aziraphale shot him sparse glances, Crowley didn't seem to notice, he looked as if he was lost somewhere in thought. 

***

On the way back Crowley didn't put in any casette in the player. 

When they were parked outside the bookshop Aziraphale said in a dry yet affectionate tone of voice,  
"Why don't you come inside dear? I'd like to talk."

Crowley got a sudden sober look on his face when he stepped out of the Bentley and walked towards the door.  
They stepped inside and just like that they were closed off from the world.

***

Crowley stood in the middle of the room, staring at the floor. He didn't want this conversation. Why should he have to explain this to the angel? Why couldn't he just get the memo on his own and move on?  
"May I..."  
When Crowley registered the question Aziraphale already had his hand in front of Crowley's face. He quickly took a step back, a single word escaped his forked tongue.  
"No!"  
Aziraphale stopped in his tracks, he quickly pulled back his arm. He stared at Crowley, eyes widened.  
"I'd rather you... not do that," Crowley added sheepishly.  
He tried to calm his breathing. Aziraphale still stared. It didn't help. Crowley had made him afraid. That must've been the first time and Crowley didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. 

He was still breathing too fast when Aziraphale stood up a bit straighter. He took a deep breath and then said:  
"I'm sorry. You decide if you want to stay or not, I'll make some tea. I won't force you into anything."  
He gave Crowley a pleading look as if he knew Crowley would be gone when he came back. And then Crowley was alone in the bookshop. He took a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting it go. He glanced towards the closed door. Then to the door to the backroom. He looked to where Aziraphale dissapeared around the corner to the small kitchen. Then he quickly walked into the backroom.

***

Aziraphale walked through the main room of the bookshop. It was empty. So Crowley had actually left. Aziraphale had strucken a sore point and now Crowley would be gone, probably forever. As Aziraphale walked into the backroom he almost didn't recognize the figure sitting on the sofa. It didn't sit like Crowley. But it was Crowley. Aziraphale sat down, put the two cups of tea down on the table and looked at Crowley. He didn't look as if he wanted to be there.

***

"Look have you...Aziraphale, have you ever realized that God always puts what you want most right in front of you?" Crowley sounded as if he was breaking with every word.  
Aziraphale tilted his head slightly.  
"And then if you take it..." Crowley swallowed and continued staring at the floor, "Then She punishes you."  
Aziraphale blinked and then a look of pure recognition passed across his face. A look of pain followed it and lastly a look of sober empathy flowed over his soft features. It stayed as he moved to sit beside Crowley in the sofa, making sure not to be intrusive. Crowley stared at the brown floorboards as his shoulders moved up and down with deep, fast breaths. They sat in painful quiet.  
"Dear I won't force you."  
Crowley looked up.  
"You can always say no. Could I take them off for you?"  
Crowley sat completely still. Then he nodded, ever so slightly. Aziraphale gently took his chin and bent it up to take off the sunglasses. He put them on the table, making sure they were well within Crowley's reach. When he looked back at Crowley Aziraphale could see that his entire sclera was yellow. Crowley didn't look at him when he continued.  
"Look you... you know I want you. Right?"  
Aziraphale smiled in a melancholic way and nodded.  
"But what if that's exacly what She wants? What if She takes everything from me if I take you?  
Aziraphale opened his mouth to protest when Crowley suddenly blurted out:  
"I know how Her games work, angel! I know She wants to make me suffer til the day I perish... I know I'll never be forgiven, I know She'll never answer me. You know what I did angel? I asked questions. All I ever did was ask questions and She cast me out for it!" Crowley looked Aziraphale in the eye for the first time in the entire conversation. He looked so truly desperate, so truly venerable.  
"Why does She always have to make me Her target?" his lip quivered as he looked at Aziraphale with his golden eyes.  
Aziraphale sighed and held out his arms. Crowley didn't have any choice other than to fall into them, face burried in Aziraphale's chest. Crowley laid there, completely still while Aziraphale slowly stroaked his back.  
"You shouldn't have to feel like this, dear. You don't have to take me, I'll take you instead and then if I get punished for that, who cares?"  
Crowley tilted his head to the side before he wispered in a small voice:  
"I do."'  
"I know, dearest. I know."


End file.
